Self care for the carer

September 2020

I love my sister and I am doing all I can for her.

I am also a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, try to be a good friend, and work 5-6 days a week.

This year with COVID and the slow but yet at times speedy decline in Wendy; had me have to stop and take stock of what is going on.

I confess to having a melt down one night in September when our darling dad said he was going to be late to collect Wendy for her weekly sleep over.

That night becomes date night for us. We can go out or choose to stay home but we always go for a walk. A night walk just because we can. It’s a little bit of freedom that we don’t have the other nights of the week.

So dad was going to be late. He also asked if I could keep her for the night but he would come later and sit with Wendy so we could go for a walk. I’m always accomodating to any changes and generally speaking no drama but this particular night I said no. As I said it, I couldn’t really believe that I had.

I hung up and the overwhelming emotions erupted within me so fast that I ran out to our garage; away from Wendy and sobbed my heart out.

Not understanding where the intensity of this outburst had come from. I called dad who was with my husband and they both came home, dad to take Wendy and Andrew to hold me while I sobbed and felt so awful. It seems even I have a limit!

Upon reflection after I had calmed down it appeared obvious I was only just making it to the deadline when care relief come in to relieve me. With all the changes going on I was not only worrying about Wendy, I was also doing more. Most days there was extra washing from incontinence, ones and twos, there was the water on the floor in the bathroom from what ever the new OCD splashing was about, spit on the mirror from all the counting.

The ongoing grumping and demands coming at me from Wendy. While being patient, understanding and encouraging. Managing increased medical appointments and doing my best to be prepared for them. Dealing with a business in COVID, the guilt of not being present in the business as I ought, having less accessabiltiy to friends to talk all these things through with – I simply melted.

I decided that to be a good carer I needed to assess when I needed help, and what I needed help with. So I thought about the new challenges we were being faced with and went about finding a support that would minimise or even eliminate a problem that when mentioned would bring up a frustration or negative energy.

Wendy deserves and needs to to be supported in a loving safe, happy environment without anything bringing up negative energy in myself.

• I got a clothes dryer to manage the washing situation and it is saving me a lot of time hanging washing
• A bigger and better food processor for bulk fast preparation of food
• Put her into incontinence pants day and night – less sheets, floor, and pants to clean
• Rubber mat on the floor by the bed for the ongoing drips and spills to save the carpet.
• A baby monitor in her bedroom for night noises as she insists on keeping her bedroom door shut and we are upstairs. (have now changed this to an indoor security camera and it is brilliant)
• A four wheel mobility scooter so I can walk beside her and not push a wheel chair. Andrew and I can take her out and walk hand in hand too.
• Changed her care plan around so that someone is with her after school so I can stay working and then be with her in the evenings guilt free
• Arranged for a deep clean of the bathroom once a fortnight so it gets a regular good going over as I was finding some parts of the bathroom was getting cleaned muliple times a day and other parts not even once a week.
• I kept a pledge with myself to go to the gym 5 mornings a week. That early rising and doing something for myself which most days is incredibly humbling, I come home and feel I can face anything when I get in the door.
• Above all reduced my work hours to allow for more care time with Wendy, work at home and some allotted time for myself for my own relaxation.

I’m here for the long haul with her and I hope I will be able to see and be objective over time and aware of overload and burnout and remember to ask for help along the way. We’ve got this. xx

A little quote from the movie “The Help” my daughter Haley likes to remind me of

You is kind,

You is smart,

You is important

Aibileen Clark

Carers remember you are important, we are needed, and are best in good health; physically and mentally.